Most people love the sound of this, I think. I, on the other hand, want to run the other direction while simultaneously celebrating. See, I love the idea of being self-taught and working at my own pace. However, I’m the type of person who – barring a keen DESIRE to want to do it or a pressing NEED to do it – just won’t do it. I know; it’s sad. (Point 5,340 to ADHD, I suppose)
This is making my current career course considerably more complicated than I had hoped it would be. I’ve been working for the past few months on trying to get back into the groove of web development. Specifically, HTML and CSS hard-coding (not sure that’s the correct way to put it. I’ve never used frameworks or anything like that.) I knew some JavaScript would be involved because that – HTML, CSS, JavaScript – is the holy grail of front-end web development. Here’s the problem. I don’t really WANT to learn JavaScript! It does not call to me to be vanquished. I don’t yearn to know how to work things out like that. I’m not interested in THAT challenge.
This put me at a considerable disadvantage from the get-go. What has made it worse along the way is that I’ve had no pressing NEED to create anything using JavaScript. So, being left up to me, my subconscious ADHD brain just keeps pushing it aside and telling me, “We can worry about that shit later.” As I’ve learned about many other things in my life, later always comes … and it’s never easier because you waited.
Sigh.
I thought if maybe there was a project I was really interested in that required JavaScript, that would help and really get me going. And there is! I’ve been wanting to do a tarot card reading web app/site or mobile app (or both) for quite awhile now! I started working on it – some of the prelim stuff I could actually do now like compiling the data digitally – but now need to go on to the next actual planning phase. Here’s the problem. Because I’m supposed to be “working,” and this project is one I would want to do just for myself, it’s not “work” for me, so I feel guilty working on it to the exclusion of pretty much everything else. Or is that just my brain coming up with another plausible reason for procrastinating? Plus, at this point, I’m supposed to be looking for a job, too, regardless of what it is because I need to get an income rolling.
Back to square one again. Working a shit job that I despise. Losing my soul to that sucker on a daily basis. Not making nearly enough money for what part of my heart I may be pouring into the (completely meaningless) job. Working with mean people. And, having dealt with all that bullshit all day long, having NO ENERGY LEFT with which to LEARN anything!!
WTF do I do now?
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